When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. 

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man. 

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw , get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill. 

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. 

A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." 

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games. 

I'd like to be buried Indian-style, where they put you up on a high rack, above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even feel it. 

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink. 

I bet when the neanderthal kids would make a snowman, someone would always end up saying, "Don't forget the thick, heavy brows." Then they would all get embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 

Fear can sometimes be a useful emotion. For instance, let's say you're an astronaught on the moon and you fear that your partner has been turned into Dracula. The next time he goes out for the moon pieces, wham!, you just slam the door behind him and blast off. He might call you on the radio and say he's not Dracula, but you just say, "Think again, bat man." 

Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. 

The people in the village were real poor, so none of the children had any toys. But this one little boy had gotten an old enema bag and filled it with rocks, and he would go around and whap the other children across the face with it. Man, I think my heart almost broke. Later the boy came up and offered to give me the toy. This was too much! I reached out my hand, but then he ran away. I chased him down and took the enema bag. He cried a little, but that's the way of these people. 

I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away. 

I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. 

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. 

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean ? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind. 

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. 

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." 

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!" 

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. 

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. 

I'd rather be rich than stupid. 

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." 

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward. 

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. 

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. 

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. 

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. 

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. 

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick. 

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. 

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad. 

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! 

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer. 

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason. 

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. 

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. 

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done. 

If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. 

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. 

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. 

I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals. 

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing. 

He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun." 

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you. 

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." 

Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see. 

As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy! 

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. 

Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like. 

We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town. 

I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint. 

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming. 

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 

Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. 

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw. 

When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it's not, mmmmmmm, boy. 

Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet. 

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. 

I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him. 

Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life? 

If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny. 

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic. 

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you. 

I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! 

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend. 

I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use used ice picks. 

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose. 

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex. 

Even though I was their captive, the Indians allowed me quite a bit of freedom. I could walk freely, make my own meals, and even hurl large rocks at their heads. It was only later that I discovered that they were not Indians at all but only dirty-clothes hampers. 

I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it. 

If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them. 

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. 

The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh, you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh? 

Sometimes, when I drive across the desert in the middle of the night, with no other cars around, I start imagining: What if there were no civilization out there? No cities, no factories, no people? And then I think: No people or factories? Then who made this car? And this highway? And I get so confused I have to stick my head out the window into the driving rain---unless there's lightning, because I could get struck on the head by a bolt. 

The whole town laughed at my great-grandfather, just because he worked hard and saved his money. True, working at the hardware store didn't pay much, but he felt it was better than what everybody else did, which was go up to the volcano and collect the gold nuggets it shot out every day. It turned out he was right. After forty years, the volcano petered out. Everybody left town, and the hardware store went broke. Finally he decided to collect gold nuggets too, but there weren't many left by then. Plus, he broke his leg and the doctor's bills were real high. 

Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that loud chirping I'd have to kick him out. Maybe later we could get up a petition to get the Cricket Family run out of town. Bye, Cricket Boy. 

I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat". It's a fake baby duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join them. Then, all of a sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar like Godzilla. Man, those ducks really take off! Also, Baby Duck Hat is good for parties. 

I wish I lived back in the old west days, because I'd save up my money for about twenty years so I could buy a solid-gold pick. Then I'd go out West and start digging for gold. When someone came up and asked what I was doing, I'd say, "Looking for gold, ya durn fool." He'd say, "Your pick is gold," and I'd say, "Well, that was easy." Good joke, huh. 

A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help, then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you tell them it was just a joke. 

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet. 

Many people think that history is a dull subject. Dull? Is it "dull" that Jesse James once got bitten on the forehead by an ant, and at first it didn't seem like anything, but then the bite got worse and worse, so he went to a doctor in town, and the secretary told him to wait, so he sat down and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and then finally he got to see the doctor, and the doctor put some salve on it? You call that dull? 

I scrambled to the top of the precipice where Nick was waiting. "That was fun," I said. "You bet it was," said Nick. "Let's climb higher." "No," I said. "I think we should be heading back now." "We have time," Nick insisted. I said we didn't, and Nick said we did. We argued back and forth like that for about 20 minutes, then finally decided to head back. I didn't say it was an interesting story. 

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!" 

I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team, aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he can mold. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on. 

If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don't think I'd call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the inpression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp's gyrations seemed to be getting out of control. 

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do. 

Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He stared telling hes story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. 

I bet a fun thing would be to go way back in time to where there was going to be an eclipse and tell the cave men, "If I have come to destroy you, may the sun be blotted out from the sky." Just then the eclipse would start, and they'd probably try to kill you or something, but then you could explain about the rotation of the moon and all, and everyone would get a good laugh. 

I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy---something like that. 

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's really embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 

People think it would be fun to be a bird because you could fly. But they foeget the negative side, which is the preening. 

If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadores came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me." 

We like to praise birds for flying. But how much of it is flying, and how much of it is just sort of coasting from the previous flap? 

I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking of doing that anyway. 

I wish outer-space guys would conquer Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little basket beds with my name on it. 

As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very pleasurable-- until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but a HUMAN HEAD! 

Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune after a little torture. 

Isn't it funny how whenever we go to a county fair or a state fair, the first thing we do is look for some kind of pornography booth? 

To me, boxing is like ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. 

If doctors ever tell you that you've 'flipped out,' don't believe them and just keep on doing what you were doing, because something tells me 'the Man" is behind this. 

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait. Not me, you. 

People just naturally assume that dogs would be incapable of working together on some sort of construction project. But what about just a big field full of holes? 

If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised. 

Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it. 

If you were a gladiator in the old days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would just drive you up a wall. 

If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong, though. It's Hambone. 

Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet. 

When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. 

You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep misquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood. 

Do you know what happens when you slice a golf ball in half? Someone gets mad at you. I found this out the hard way. 

In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should automatically disqualify you. 

If you're traveling in a time machine, and you're eating corn on the cob, I don't think it's going to affect things one way or the other. But here's the point I`m trying to make: Corn on the cob is good, isn't it. Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire so that his arms and legs form 'spokes.' Happiness is when he stops. 

If you ever teach a yodelling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that. 

I don't think I'm ever more 'aware' than I am right after I hit my thumb with a hammer. 

Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have. 

If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rat- trap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him. 

I bet the sparrow looks at the parrot and thinks, yes, you can talk, but LISTEN to yourself! 

I wish everybody would have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president. 

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. 

Isn't it funny how we'll look out the window at the moon, and then we notice it's not the moon but a streetlight? Also what's funny is how we do this every night. 

I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye. 

If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. 

If any man says he hates war more than me, he better have a knife, that's all I can say. 

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is 'God is crying.' And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is 'Probably because of something you did.' 

If you see an animal and you can't tell if it's a skunk or a cat, here's a good saying to help: 'Black-and-white, stinks all right. Tabby-colored, likes a fella.' 

Just as bees swarm about to protect their nest, so will I 'swarm about' to protect my nest of chocolate eggs. 

Why do the caterpillar and the ant have to be enemies? One eats leaves, and the other eats caterpillars. Oh, now I see. 

If you wear a toupee, why not let your friends try it on for a while? Come on, we're not going to hurt it. 

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. 

When this girl at the museum asked me who I liked better, Monet or Manet, I said, 'I like mayonnaise.' She just stared at me, so I said it again, louder. Then she left. I guess she went to try to find me some mayonnaise. 

Some folks say it was a miracle. Saint Francis suddenly appeared and knocked the next pitch clean over the fence. But I think it was just a lucky swing. 

You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught in a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you? 

Too bad there's no such thing as a GOLDEN skunk, because you'd probably be proud to be sprayed by one. 

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess was why several of us died of tuberculosis. 

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. 

Whenever anyone says 'I can't,' it makes me wish he'd get stung to death by about ten thousand bees. When he says 'I'll try,' five thousand bees. ('I can,' one bee.) 

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. 

If you ever feel like you're on the verge of a nervous breakdown, just follow these simple rules: First, calm down; second, come over and wash my car; third, shine my shoes. There, isn't that better? 

It's interesting to think that my ancestors used to live in trees, like apes, until finally they got the nerve to head out onto the plains, where some were probably hit by cars. 

Instead of putting a quarter under a kid's pillow, how about a pinecone? That way, he learns that 'wishing' isn't going to save our national forests. 

I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our friend. 

One thing about Aunt Nadie: She was gruff on the outside, but if you ever needed something, like a spanking or a scolding, she'd give it to you. 

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. 

If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. 

Whether they ever find life there or not, I think Jupiter should be considered an enemy planet. 

When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, 'Hey, good job.' 

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus's-flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition. 

Can't the Marx Brothers be arrested and maybe even tortured for all the confusion and problems they've caused? 

I wish I had a kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula and Superman away. 

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness. 

When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV. 

If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie that spins or changes colors. 

Instead of burning a guy at the stake, what about burning him at the stilts? It probably lasts longer, plus it moves around. 

Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then he punched me again. 

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching. 

If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact. 

If I come back as an animal in my next lifetime, I hope it's some type of parasite, because this is the part where I take it easy! 

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing? 

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid-gold baby? Maybe we'll never know. 

If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting! 

If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting him. 

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time when I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad. 

Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions? 

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. 

It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. 

I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. 

A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it. 

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? 

People laugh when I say that I think a jellyfish is one of the most beautiful things in the world. What they don't understand is, I mean a jellyfish with long, blond hair. 

When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often. 

Basically, there are three ways the skunk and I are a lot alike. The first is, we both like to spread our 'stink' around. The second is we both get hit by cars a lot. The third is stripes. 

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not? 

It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. 

If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. 

I'd rather be rich than stupid. 

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not? 
 
When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil. 
 
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go, because, man, they're gone. 
 
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby." 
 
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges. 
 
If you were a pirate, you know what would be the one thing that would really make you mad? Treasure chests with no handles. How the hell are you supposed to carry it?! 
 
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up. 
 
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. 
 
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away. 
 
I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to AIM a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands. 
 
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo! I'd have all my money back. 
 
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES HE THINK HE'S GOING?! 
 
I'm telling you, just attach a big parachute TO THE PLANE ITSELF! Is anyone listening to me?! 
 
If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you. 
 
If you make ships in a bottle, I bet the thing that really makes your heart sink is when you look in, and there at the wheel is Captain Termite. 
 
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness. 
 
After I die, wherever my spirit goes, I'm going to try to get back and visit my skeleton at least once a year, because, "Hey, old buddy, how's it going?" 
 
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, "Hey, good job." 
 
I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. 
 
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a documentary! 
 
If you think a weakness can be turned into a strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness. 
 
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy. 
 
I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed psychiatrist is our "friend." 
 
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. 
 
You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you. 
 
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." 
 
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.) 
 
I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science? 
 
I wish everybody would have to have an electric thing implanted in our heads that gave us a shock whenever we did something to disobey the president. Then somehow I get myself elected president. 
 
I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake! 
 
I wish scientists would come up with a way to make dogs a lot bigger, but with a smaller head. That way, they'd still be good as watchdogs, but they wouldn't eat so much. 
 
When you die, if you go somewhere where they ask you a bunch of questions about your life and what you learned and all, I think a good way to get out of it is just to say, "No speaka English." 
 
The first thing was, I learned to forgive myself. Then, I told myself, "Go ahead and do whatever you want, it's okay by me." 
 
Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. NOW who's asking the questions? 
 
There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third stage, he feels trapped, and then "skinned." I'm not sure what the fourth stage is. 
 
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. 
 
If any man says he hates war more than I do, he better have a knife, that's all I have to say. 
 
Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. 
 
Here's a good tip for when you go to the beach: A sand dollar may look like a nice cracker that someone left, but trust me, they don't taste like it. 
 
You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle, don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while. It's their way of letting off stress. 
 
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but then it turns out it's not a skull but just an old dried-out potato. 
 
If you're ever selling your house, and some people come by, and a big rat comes out and he's dragging the rattrap because it didn't quite kill him, just tell the people he's your pet and that's a trick you taught him. 
 
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. 
Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling. 
 
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money." 
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. 
 
If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted. 
 
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have. 
Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?" 
 
I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap! 
 
It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble of having Martha cook up about a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at the Marineland says, "You can't throw chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them. Man, wise up. 
 
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money. 
 
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. 
 
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" - you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks." 
 
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window. 
 
Most of the time in the Middle Ages it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that." 
 
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns. 
 
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because I was thinking about doing that anyway. 
 
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 
 
Too bad you can't just grab a tree by the very tiptop and bend it clear over the ground and then let her fly, because I bet you'd be amazed at all the stuff that comes flying out. 
 
Once when I was in Hawaii, on the island of Kauai, I met a mysterious old stranger. He said he was about to die and wanted to tell someone about the treasure. I said, "Okay, as long as it's not a long story. Some of us have a plane to catch, you know." He started telling his story, about the treasure and his life and all, and I thought: "This story isn't too long." But then, he kept going, and I started thinking, "Uh-oh, this story is getting long." But then the story was over, and I said to myself: "You know, that story wasn't too long after all." I forget what the story was about, but there was a good movie on the plane. It was a little long, though. 
 
If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin. 
 
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought WE won!"